The Lord of the Ring
by Morrigan the Nightmare Queen
Summary: The story of the Lord of the Rings told to the verse of Dr. Seuss' "Cat in the Hat." Yes, you read that correctly. Yes, I am the same person who wrote "Elvish Dischord." R/R PLEASE!


Author's Note: If you've ever been a kid, chances are you've encountered Dr. Seuss's book, "The Cat in the Hat." The verses herein (mostly) parallel the verse-scheme in "Cat," so if you've got the Seuss handy, go ahead and cross-reference.

Disclaimers: "Cat in the Hat" and Lord of the Rings are NOT MINE! Please do not sue. I am NOT making any money off of this.

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THE LORD OF THE RING

The third age was ending.

A shadow was grown

In the east as a rumor

Of death was made known. 

I sat there with Samwise

And Gandalf, we three

And I said, "How I wish

the Ring'd not come to me!"

We ran then for Bree

And we dashed through the rain

At the Pony we waited

For Gandalf, in vain.

So all we could do was to

Wait!

Wait!

Wait!

Wait!

And we did not like it.

For we fled too late.

And then

Something went hiss!

How that hiss made me wish . . . 

We hid!

And we heard their blades drawn with a shing!

We hid!

They're the servants

The Lord of the Ring!

And he said to me

"Why do you hide with my Ring?"

"I know you're afraid

But my eye is not blinded

You might have lived

If only you'd minded!

"I know some good games we could play,"

He said with a grin.

"I know some neat tricks,"

Said the Lord of the Ring.

"A lot of mean tortures

I'll show them to you

Your wizard

Is helpless to help if I do."

Then Samwise and I

With Strider ran 'way

Our wizard was gone from our group

For the day.

Aragorn said "Look out!

Hear the Nazgul's cold cry

Tell the Lord of the Ring

You do NOT want to die.

He should not be here.

We have banished him oft.

He should not be here

So we tell him: piss off!"

"Now! Now! Have no fear!"

Said the master of sin.

"Your death will be quick,"

Said the Lord of the Ring.

"Why, Gollum told

All when my minions attacked

And you'll all feel the same

Once Gondor's been sacked!"

"Die you fiends!" said Strider

"Though I know it's not Sting

Die you fiends!" said Strider.

"You'll not get the Ring!"

"Don't worry!" said the lord.

"They will never quite die.

I've enslaved nine rulers

With nine Rings of mine.

And the seven all eaten

Or else gathered in hoard-

But that is not ALL I have done!"

Said the lord . . . 

"Halfling, run!

Halfling, run now!" said the Lord.

"Afford me amusement

Before you all are gored!

I will find the Three yet!

I will master them all

To this world's full regret!

Watch out!

I sent out my wraiths to kill you all!

But that is not all!

Oh, no.

That is not all . . . 

"Halfling, hide!

Halfling, hide!

Halfling, hide fast!

You are easy to find

And you're not built to last.

I can cover the lands

With a darkness or two

I can step on Narsil

When Elendil's through!

I have orcs and minions

And a goblin to spare

And look! I've two strongholds

Which are both built to scare!

I control all things living

That fly, run or crawl

But that is not all.

Oh, no.

That is not all . . . "

That is what the Lord said . . . 

Then they broke Pale King's head!

His power was shivered

From the stroke of the blow

But Samwise and I

To Mount Doom we must go!

And Strider rode outward

To where undead men rot

He said, "Do I like this?

Oh, no! I do not!"

"This is not a fun ride,"

Said an elf as he went

"But I will go forward

'Cause Sauron's hell-bent."

"Now look what you did!"

Said the King then to Merry.

"Now look at my head!

Blades in it are buried!

You broke my nice crown

Broke it straight down in two

You shook up my horsie

And you slashed my cloak through.

You SHOULD NOT do that

When a wizard's about.

I must run home to dad!"

Said the King at the rout.

"Oh, I don't like that game,

I don't like it at all!"

Said the Lord of the Ring

At Gondor's near-fall.

"I will NOT go away.

I do NOT wish to go!"

"And so," said the Lord of the Ring,

"So

so

so . . . 

I will show you

Another neat trick that I know!"

Then he whistled up

Two nasties to plague us

The Lord of the Ring

Began to beseige us.

A black mountain pass

Bordered by a stair

"Come on down the pass,"

Said the Lord.

"But beware!"

For the Lord had a plan

For us hobbits abhored

"I'll send you a guide for the mount,"

Said the Lord.

"In this pass are two things.

You will meet in accord.

You'll get to know them very well,"

Said the Lord.

Then he opened the gateway.

And we saw something new

Slinking and stinking

The first one of two.

This Thing did not bite us

He 'wanted to help'

He showed us the stair

Above which the second thing waited.

In lair

She said "How do you do?"

Would you like to be eaten

By Thing number two?"

And Samwise and I 

Did not know what to do.

But we had to escape

From Thing One and Thing Two.

We slashed at the webbing

And I muttered, "No! No!"

We're doing it wrong

The star-glass makes them go!"

The star-glass repelled her

And slinking One too

But I got a mean bite off 

Old Thing number two.

"Have no fear, halflings,"

Said the Lord of the Ring.

"These Things were mean Things

But the gal's yet to sing.

Here are orcs. Oh, so tame!

And they do love to play

They will give Sam some fun

On this cold, wet, black day."

"Now here is a game that Orcs like:

Find the Ring!

They'll search your dead pal,"

Said the Lord of the Ring.

"No! Never my master!"

Said Samwise, in shame

"They should not search him!

Mister Frodo! They'll not!

Oh, the monsters I'll slay

Oh, the beasts I will hit!

For I do not like it!

Not one little bit!"

Then Samwise chased I

And the orcs down the pass

He saw them take me

Into Ungol, at last

Crash! Smash! Crash! Smash!

Locked into Ungol, at last.

Monsters and goblins!

They were up! They were down!

Yet they thought Sam a warrior

Of Elven renown!

They fled from his Stinging

And we ran from the tower

For we had to unmake

That dread One Ring of power!

Then we stumbled through Mordor

Wearing cloaks as disguises

And the Ring growing heavy

As to its fate it wises.

And I said,

"I do NOT want the Ring to be burned!

Damn Gandalf and Strider!

This power I've earned!"

Then Sam said, "Look out!"

And Gollum jumped my back

He bit the finger that held it

Did he not?

Then what did he do with it?What did he do?

He fell into the lava

And Gollum is through!

And THEN!

Who else died on that day

With the Ring?

"My power is crumbling!"

Screamed the Lord of the Ring.

"I think I am done for, and my Ring is gone!

And so . . . 

I will show you

The vanishing trick that I know!"

Then Gwaihir the Windlord

Hauled our butts from the mount

And brought us to Strider

Who was gonna be crowned.

The adventure is ended,

I'm really all beat

LOTR is ended.

Sail home with the Fleet.


End file.
